In 2016,  I was asked to speak on stage for the first time, I said yes immediately. Then spent the next three weeks second-guessing everything.

What if I freeze? What if I forget everything and just stand there like a deer in headlights?

But here's what I learned: preparation is fear's kryptonite.

I hired a speaking coach, we walked through every slide, every transition, every possible question. By the time the day arrived, I knew my content cold.And yet—when they announced my name and I walked onto that stage, my heart was pounding.

‍The fear was still there.

‍But that fear? It meant I was human. It meant I cared. And in that moment, I made a choice: I decided this feeling wasn't fear at all—it was excitement. Same physical sensation, completely different story. I found my groove, delivered what I came to say, and walked off knowing I’d chosen excitement over paralysis.

What Fear Actually Is

Your body has one job: keep you alive. Fear is its alarm system, designed to alert you to danger. When our ancestors heard a rustle in the bushes, that spike of adrenaline helped them survive.

The problem? Your nervous system can't tell the difference between a lion in the bushes and a difficult conversation with a prospect who's gone silent. Or a pricing objection. Or stepping into a leadership role where you're suddenly responsible for other people's livelihoods.

Your sympathetic nervous system activates the same way—elevated heart rate, shallow breathing, tunnel vision. Except there's no actual threat. Just False Evidence Appearing Real- F.E.A.R.

The Real vs. The Imagined

We've got to get better at distinguishing between what's real and what's a story we're telling ourselves.

Back in high school, I wanted to ask someone to prom. But in my head, I'd already built the entire disaster: he'd say no, it would be awkward forever. The story got so big, so real in my mind, that I almost didn't ask at all.

When I finally did? He said yes immediately. And told me how flattered he was that I'd asked. All that fear. All that story. None of it was real.

‍Sound familiar?

‍Real: You have a tough conversation coming up with a client who's considering leaving. Not real: "They're definitely leaving, I'm going to lose the account, my manager will think I'm terrible, I'll never hit quota, I may get fired.”

Real: You need to have a difficult performance conversation with someone on your team.Not real: "They're going to hate me, the whole team will turn on me, I'm a terrible leader."

See the difference? The first thing is happening. Everything else is a movie we're directing in our heads—and our body is responding as if it's all true.

When we let these stories run unchecked, we live in a constant state of activation. We're exhausted, reactive, and making decisions from survival rather than strategy.

Fear as Feedback

What if we stopped treating fear as the enemy and started treating it as information?

‍Feedback?

‍Fear often shows up right before growth. It appears at the edge of what's familiar, pointing directly at what matters most to us. If you didn't care about the outcome, you wouldn't feel afraid.

So when fear strikes, ask yourself: What is this telling me?

•    Fear before a big pitch? It's telling you this opportunity matters.

•    Fear before giving feedback? It's telling you the relationship matters.

•    Fear of making the wrong hire? It's telling you the team's success matters.

Fear isn't the problem. Letting it make your decisions for you is.Certain client relationships, limiting thought patterns, peer connections that drain rather than energize—might need to be composted.

This isn't easy, but it's necessary. We can't grow new things while holding onto everything from before. What beliefs about ourselves, what commitments, what ways of being are ready to be released so we can make space for our next level of growth?

‍Fall Forward

Here's the shift that changes everything: you don't have to eliminate fear. You have to feel it and choose to move anyway.

We call it "falling forward." Acknowledge the fear, feel it in your body, and then take the next right step anyway. Send the follow-up email. Make the call. Have the conversation. Take the stage.

Every time you do this, you're teaching your nervous system that you can handle it. You're building evidence that the fear was just noise, not truth and you’re creating a blueprint for future appearances of fear.

Your Go-To Move When Fear Strikes

Because fear will strike. It always does. The question isn't if, it's when—and what we do about it.

Here's the most powerful tool we've found: Pause. Breathe.

‍That's it. Before you take any further action, stop and take three deep breaths. Inhale for four counts, exhale for six. Do it again. And again.

When you slow your breathing, you signal to your nervous system that you're safe. You switch from sympathetic (fight, flight, freeze) to parasympathetic (rest, digest, think clearly). You buy yourself time to choose your next move instead of reacting from panic.

From that place—calm, grounded, clear—you can ask yourself: What's real here? What's the story? What's the next best step? And then you take it.

The Choice Is Always Yours

Fear will show up. In the pitch. In the negotiation. In the promotion. In the hard conversation. In the decision that could change everything.

But what happens next? That's on you.

We get to decide whether fear is a stop sign or a starting gun. Whether it's evidence of danger or evidence that we're onto something that matters. Whether we freeze or fall forward.

The nervous prospect who just went quiet? Breathe. Then send the message.The team member who needs feedback? Breathe. Then have the conversation. The stage, the opportunity, the risk? Breathe. Then choose excitement.

What's one fear-driven story you've been telling yourself lately—and what would happen if you paused, breathed, and chose differently? When will you try it?